SCREAMING from the Bottom

I want to be optimistic.  I really do.

I'm trying to be positive.  I really am.

And I've really been doing my best to write something these last few months, without much success.

Lately I just find myself exhausted, tired, beaten down.  I'm trying to fight a good fight this year.  Trying to solve my problems, but it hasn't been favoring on my side.

I don't know how much lower I'm gonna get.  How deeper into the abyss I'm gonna be.

I don't know what else to do.  How much more tests and trials do I have to go through to get out of this sweet misery I'm at.  I feel like screaming, punching, just shouting at the skies. 

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!  If I can capitalize those words even more, I would very much do it.

Sadly, I can't quite scream, punch, nor shout in this real world I'm at.  I'd end up crazy in the eyes of people.  

So here I am just filling myself up with constant non-sense parties and drinking, trying to fill the void that I'm feeling.  

Where should I even start.... all my four credit cards are almost maxed out.  I'm behind on my bills.  I've been getting constant calls from my creditors.  I lost my beloved car because I couldn't get proper financing for it.  I am torn between being able to pay rent or being able to buy groceries.  I've been working two jobs, and it's still not enough to cover any of this.

I'm just exhausted.

I've even become hostile towards my best friends.  With them not really knowing what the real deal is.  I'm not the type of person to ask for help.  I find that very uncomfortable.  I do everything myself, as much as I can.  I've learned from 

before that it's pretty hard to rely on someone.  I'm not being a hater, it's just based on past experience.  

I feel more isolated now more than ever.

If there's anything that's being positive in my life right now, it's my body.  Working out at the gym has been my therapy lately.  Any frustrations, anger, and other negativity I have towards the world I let out on free weights.  

I haven't even played any new games on my PS3 since Resistance 2.  I know Resident Evil 5 came out, as well as Killzone 2.  But sadly, I just don't have the desire to play them.  My PS3 is pretty much used as a media player.  At least it has its uses.  

Even my trip to the Philippines four months ago was met with bittersweet results.  The dating scene was just obsurd.  I found myself getting sucked into this situation that I felt like a prisoner.  It was weird and I didn't like it.  It made me realize that... well... there wasn't really anything wrong with me.  I was fine with the way I was living my single life.

And then just a few days ago, I found out that my grandmother passed away... along with the drama that came with it.  I'm just glad that she's finally at a better place.

I don't know how tomorrow, next week, next month, next year is gonna turn out.  I'm just clouded with negativity.  I want to see a silver lining, but I just can't.  

I hope things will get better.  I hope I will be able to fix things.  

ARRGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Suddenly There's Words

Hmm... did anybody miss me? I'm sure a lot of you did. And I'm sure that I'm being full of myself as well.

Well... on to the thoughts.

It's not that I don't have any resolutions in mind, it's just that I'm not really planning on taking any serious ones. 2007 was a year of rediscovery. 2008 was a year of recovery. So what kind of year would 2009 be in my oh so humble kind of life? This could be the year of finally taking my plans into action... plans that have been dated back years and years ago. A couple of them are finally happening. But there's still a lot that needs to be done.

Yeah, I guess I could use 2009 as the year that I'll finally stop procrastinating.

But then again, being so good at procrastinating, it may be hard to break the habit. We'll see where this year leads. I'm being optimistic yet realistic at the same time.

My brain is still on a some sort of mental block for the better half of last year. So I'm also hoping that I'll get my writing groove back as well. I mean, it's not just here on facebook. On my other blogs as well. I haven't been doing any writing for months now. It's kind of scary actually, that the creative part of my brain would shut down like this. Hmm... I think I need a therapist now. Haha. Here's hoping that I can find a cheap, but good, one when I go home to the Philippines.

And here's also hoping that my trip back home will rekindle my creativity.

Blah. Yeah, suddenly there's words. But none of these are making sense right now. I've wrote better stuff before. Maybe this is a side effect of being a gym rat. I've been to focused on my workout plans that I've never invested more time in other things. I guess the saying is very true in this case... you win some, you lose some.

Some other things I know I need to do, not just for myself but for other people too. Yet I end up looking for a purpose as to why I would venture into doing such things to others. Is it selfish for me to ask for a return in my investment?

Yeah, the latter part of the year has pretty much got me all depressed. If there were anything good to happen at the last couple of months is that I'm finally reconnected with an old friend. Though things are still not back to the way they were years ago, there's progress. There's hope. As long as there's hope, positivity exists.

Ramble ramble ramble.

There's words. But there's still no purpose.

I'm writing. But there's still no direction.

2009. These are my thoughts on the first day of the year.

Changes

Okay... there's been quite a lot that has happened to me since my last real posting. And no, I'm not counting the video blogs. Those are different.

Anyways, as with new changes in my life, I like to reflect it on the stuff that I do. And this blog is one of them.

More details soon, hopefully sooner.

And yeah, I know this is just a default template. I'll work around this in due time.

Still working on my next video blog.

"...Oh and it Came with a Game"

Blog Action Day 2008 - Poverty

If it wasn't for Digg, I wouldn't know what Blog Action Day was. Thank goodness for Digg, and its rich community.

Though I am a Canadian citizen, I was an immigrant from the Philippines. The kind of life that I am living now is so much different than back home. Things are definitely so much better here: health care, education, middle class, income, and so much more. Even I must admit that there have been times when I have taken my Canadian citizenship for granted.

But today is not about taking things for granted. It's about reflecting on the life that I have, and comparing it to my fellow Filipinos living in the Philippines. Philippines is a developing country. Though it has made some strides, there are still remote areas in the country that still needs the basic necessities in life, such as health care and education.

I may not reach as much audience as some of the blogs out there, but hey, I'm still gonna do my part.

Here's a list of some charitable organizations and foundations in the Philippines. Though I'm not asking for you to donate, it would help if you could briefly read through them so you can have the basic idea of what kind of help they provide.


ABS-CBN Foundation - The ABS-CBN Foundation Inc. (AFI) envisions a better world for the Filipino child. As the socio-civic arm of the ASB-CBN Broadcasting Corporation, one of the Asia's biggest media conglomerate, AFI offers outreach programs for children, their families, and the community.

Kapuso Foundation - The GMA Kapuso Foundation runs a total number of ten projects under three umbrella programs (i.e. Health and Disaster Relief, Education and Values Formation).

Testing Grounds

A Little Less Ashamed...

that I'm a PC.



This one's actually much better, and makes more sense, than those Seinfeld ads.

Alternate Super Mario Bros. Ending

The Seth MacFarlane version. Enjoy.



It's funny because I do feel for Princess Peach and Mario at the same time. I mean, if you were a princess, why would you be interested in kissing a short, fat, italian plumber, even if he was the one that saved you from an evil tormentor?

And for Mario's part, the guy went through about 8 worlds (unless you do the short cut), possibly dying a few times on the way, and he's not even asking for a fuck. It's just a kiss.

I dunno. I'm somewhat on the fence on this one. Which side r u on? Regardless, it's all funny. It's Seth MacFarlane after all.

Sporefect!

The last game I played was Metal Gear Solid 4. After that, I went through a gaming dry spell. I've seen previews of Spore before on the net, but I didn't think it'd be something that I would actually buy and play. Thank goodness for PAX that I was able to try out one of the coolest games of the year.

Meet... Bubblyspotyra
I'm still very early in the game. So far I've made him/her into a carnivore. I'm trying to get him/her as an omnivore but he keeps puking out the fruits that he eats. It's actually pretty funny.



That's is the first video I got of him/her... before he/she got the awesome killer tail (oh and the tail... it does give out some killer damage points.)

I can see myself playing this tirelessly for a while. At least until Little Big Planet comes out.

So have you guys/gals played Spore yet? If not, then you should.

Discoveries from PAX 2008

...a note I recently wrote on Facebook. Thought I'd share here.

The end of PAX 2008 pretty much marks the end of my summer. What can I say? Three days with only five hours of sleep each day, while the remaining nineteen hours were spent on playing video games, and watching panels. As well as half of those nineteen hours were spent on waiting in lines for the said game playing and panel watching. This is my version of a vacation. I was in gaming heaven.

Not really working for the last two months, I've decided that during PAX I would focus more on the panels rather than playing game demos. I thought perhaps checking out the panels would bring me back the focus and inspiration that I needed to return to the path I once attempted to walk on. Lo and behold they did! And much to my surprise, they were very compelling and informative. Some of the panels that I went to were "So You Want To Pitch a Game", "Game Design Workshop", "Democratizing Game Development", and "How to Get Your Food in the Door,". I really wanted to go to the "Writing for Video Games" panel but the theatre was already full when I got there half and hour early. It was quite a disappointment really, seeing as I actually think I have a knack in the writing department. But the most fun panel that I went to was the "Beginning and Ending in Game Design," where a bunch of employees from Obsidian were talking about how they got started in the industry. Don't get me wrong, I went to other panels too. But these ones really resonated with me. Just listening to the way they all talked about their experiences and advices gave me this inner energy to actually try and pursue this path once again. That and I wouldn't have known about NeverWinter Nights 2's modding capabilities. Now I gotta give that a try.

Though I did spend a lot of time at the panels, I did demo'd as much games as I could. And there were a lot of games. But there were two games that I just thought were out of this world. It's not Left 4 Dead (although that one was pretty cool), it's not Rock Band 2, and it wasn't Fallout 3 neither. They were Spore and Little Big Planet. I actually spent a good 45 minutes playing Spore while a bunch of guys were waiting behind me. I didn't care. The game was very addicting and there was a lot more to it that what I saw on the interwebs before. It was a lot more complex and there were a lot of things that you could do. I cannot wait to play that game. Then there was Little Big Planet. A game to which I waited more than an hour to play 15 minutes worth of it. Previously to playing the game, I initially thought that it was just a cute platformer/multiplayer game that you can change background colors or your sack boy appearances. I didn't know you can do more than that, like completely make a whole level with different play styles. I cannot wait to get the game so I can see what I can come up with. It's been a while since I've been this excited about video games.

But on top of the panels and the games, PAX is more about the gaming community than anything else. And this year was no exception. In fact, my experience this year was better than last year's. I got to meet a bunch of Canadian folks during my stay at the Sheraton Hotel. The nightly drinking parties were a hoot, with the most exciting night being that Saturday night when we all went to the tabletop section and rented out "The Worst Case Scenario Survival Game." Playing that one drunk was just all sorts of fun. Not to mention that we learned a lot, you know just in case we encountered one of those scenarios.

Yet what made the PAX community even better was when I encountered a little bit of car problem on Sunday night, right after the Omegathon. My car battery accidentally died on me and I had no idea how to fix the damn thing. Luckily, one of my fellow Canadian PAXer knew how to deal with it. He borrowed a jumper cable from a fellow PAXer that was about to leave from the parking lot and a few minutes later, my car was running again. He even volunteered to help me buy a new car battery and install it. This example right here is perhaps one of the reasons that I go to PAX. As long as you're not an asshole, people will enjoy your company. And PAX is one of the few events/places/etc that didn't have a lot of those. Yes some people can be difficult but they're not altogether dicks. You don't even need to look good there. I mean, as long as you don't smell you're an okay person.

It is, however, back to the real world. Back to the vanity. Back to making sure I don't have any imperfections. It's so weird how my worlds could sometimes be. I mean, there's this one part of me that doesn't care about anything else except video games, and yet there's this other side of me that wants to make sure that I look perfect in every possible angle. Such is a life of my persona I guess. Oh well, I've gotten used to this anyways. And besides, I've made friends during my trip this year. Awesome friends.

And with this real world in mind, I'm finally starting the job hunt. Part of me can't believe that it had to take me four years of working at a job that I never really liked to finally realize my true heart's desire. And I'm not trying to say bad things about that job anymore. I've made my peace with it. I'm just saying. Had I not been fired, I wouldn't have reignited my desire to go back to the path I once attempted at walking to. Though I did have the education, it's been years since I've applied a lot of it to use. But I still know how it works. I have good memory retention after all, so I still remember a lot of it, albeit a bit rusty.

We'll see how this one will work out. Overall, this was the best PAX to date. And it has nothing to do with the games nor the swags. It was all about the knowledge I gained from the industry experts and the experience that I really enjoyed from the PAX community.